Live Out Loud
Yesterday I wrote a bit about learning to balance my life. This is something that I have struggled with most of my life. I tend to become obsessed with things for no particular reason. Like now I have been playing Bejeweled for an hour at a time. Um, Bejeweled? Really? Yup. Even as I tell myself to walk away from the computer I justify saying “Just one more game”. Then when I realize that this silly addiction means that I will have to get a weeks worth of work done in one night I have a mild freak out moment. I think the inability to deal with time goes back to the days when I had 3 jobs and had very little free time available to me. So I had a finite amount of time to finish things and that was it. Wide open time freaks me out.
A twisted part of myself used to take pride in people’s shock that I worked so much at “real jobs” and then did my own crafty job on the side. When really I had no choice. If my schedule was completely booked solid I got nothing done. This was my self medicating, I am seriously lucky I didn’t turn to alcohol or drugs like many in my family have. Instead of drink I chose work. Once my part time job ended a couple years ago and I was left with only a full time job and the job of running Chicaloo I was at a loss. What do I do with all this extra time? It made me anxious and irritable. I still don’t handle it very well. And I end up burying my head in what ever silly obsession suits me at the moment. My dream is to make Chicaloo my full time gig and in order to make that happen I have to figure out how to get my Time issue in order. It isn’t as though I fail to finish things, but I could make it much easier on myself if I spread out the work. That is something to work toward, but it isn’t easy to change 20 years worth of behavior. Guess I just need to tell myself that even baby steps are still steps even if I wobble and fall down after the first few.